i've decided my fall look is young molly weasley professorial chic...killin' it, right?

i have spent the majority of the day arguing with the illinois tollway and completely understand most of dante's circles of hell...especially eight and nine...which led me to want to engage in seven. apparently years ago in one of my drives i missed one toll...they sent a bill, i paid what they sent me and told me on the phone that even though i paid $64 dollars for missing an eighty cent toll that i now owe $150. now, this is ludicrous to begin with but they wouldn't issue me an ipass until i made the payment. i wanted to ask the supervisor how she slept at night but resisted the urge.

i'm sitting at a whole foods in naperville waiting to meet up with eric wilberg for dinner. it's funny that me and a good friend from denver are currently both working in, 'the thrill'.

tonight are student voice placement auditions and i couldn't be more excited. it's like christmas for me. what are they going to sing? will any of them bust out queeny riffs? will i hear at least one stephen schwartz song? hopefully awesome show tunes will erase the rest of this day.

i went to a job interview today for a part time voice teacher position in northbrook and ten minutes into the interview i realized that the woman was interviewing me for the wrong job...so that was awesome. yes, it would indeed be a necessity for a music director to play piano...i'm here for the voice teacher position...sorry.

saturday i went to the barrel of monkey teacher training...it was awesome. i know there's a lot of mixed feelings about the teacher's strike. but, i don't think that some of the things the teachers are asking for are all that incredulous. air conditioning in school...that should be a given. i dare you to throw 40 eighth graders in a room that's about 120 degrees and try and teach them. it's not just good for the teachers, it's good for the students. schools that have stronger support staffs have stronger performing students...yadda, yadda, yadda. i do feel like people are perceiving this as being a financial issue but honestly, the teachers have said that's not the biggest of their issues and despite karen lewis' sometimes overly aggressive nature i think she's only a third of the problem...rahm and jean claude rounding out the other two thirds. let's just try and put down bruised egos and do what's best for the children.

joliver, out.

so let the wind blow hard and wear the falling stars.

last night i got a whopping thirty  minutes of sleep...thanks to my sleep tracker i know just how little sleep i actually got.

as i sat staring at the ceiling this morning i decided that i should get up and go to the gym before work as opposed to afterward. i figured regardless of when i was going today it was going to be one of those workouts where you just slog it out...which was totally the case.

i had a moment where i was getting frustrated in the midst of the workout and gave myself an internal verbal smackdown. yes, this workout was most certainly not me in peak performance mode...but, i got up and got my ass there and did it. it wasn't pretty, but i did it.

then, as i was on the rowing machine i realized it was the first time since starting crossfit in december that i didn't have to move my knees out into a plie-esque position to accomodate for my stomach. it's funny that even in the midst of frustration the little things can bring you such joy if you just stop and realize that everything is a process.

i have been hesitant to weigh myself in this journey because i don't want to obsess over numbers. this change was started because i wanted to take better care of myself and try and become the best version of me that i can be..that being said, i DID weigh myself this weekend. i am officially 72 pounds down and i think that my goal of 100 at the year mark is totally attainable...but, if it doesn't happen, i'll still get up and go to the gym...because really, that's the victory.

in other news...

i went to st. louis and it was wonderful. seeing friends and having farm to table feasts...pretty much perfection.

it's raining, i'm listening to trampled by turtles, and drinking pumpkin flavored d&d coffee...it's almost autumn, y'all.

i start my teaching job at north central as of sunday and couldn't be more elated.

i love chicago. i feel so much more myself here.

i think faceinhole.com should pay me to make funny awesome things...i made one yesterday that's pretty great but i'm waiting for the person i made it for to receive it in the mail before posting it publicly.

i am really hoping this one night of insomnia is an isolated case and not something that will become habit. (i found myself in the car saying, 'don't sell this farm ray, you gotta keep the farm'...you know, my brain thinks in field of dreams quotes when exhausted)

the highlights of the dnc for me: the last five minutes of obama's speech, biden being tough but gracious, michelle obama reminding people that she is in face a lawyer, elizabeth warren giving us all an economics lesson, bill clinton basically being politifact, and the castro smile...dang those boys are cute.

bruce covey poetry is beautiful.

i'm being terrible at finishing the book i'm reading. which is weird because i love it...i think i just don't want it to end.

i need to find a tap class.

alright, time to shower and get to the office.

and it's all i can do to keep from falling in love with you...

i'm approaching my two weeks in chicago mark.

i feel like things are finally coming together. i have a bed, and it is assembled. seriously though, the few hours i spent hopelessly attempting to assemble the frame by myself would be comical to the outside observer. i felt like i was trapped in an episode of a sit-com. imagine if you will me, an allen wrench, and all matters of props trying to make it possible to screw in the head and foot board to the sides of the bed. hopefully by the end of this weekend i will be entirely set up and all of my items will be in one apartment. currently my life is scattered in three different locations. i'm not complaining really, i just don't know where anything is...ever. which, is an odd experience for me. 

i also have some leads on jobs. i have been hired by takelessons.com and am in the process of setting up my website through them. there's no guarantee of students but i'm hopeful that people will find me and use me. my interview on wednesday was pretty great. in fact, the talked to me about the possibility of blogging about vocal pedagogy for them. it's as if i've died and gone to nerd heaven. i also might have a part time job lining up as well which i don't know how much i can talk about until the pieces come together. 

i have been listening to dolly parton non-stop. it is all i can do to keep from falling in love with you dolly...big hair, big sequence, big personality. done. 

staying at a house with netflix hooked up to a television is a dangerous thing. all documentaries, all the time. real people tend to fascinate me far more than made up people...except in literature. i have been remiss in my reading as of late. i can feel myself getting less intelligent. things that will absolutely be remedied. 

this morning i made myself paleo scones and a strawberry peach compote...the perfect compliment to my coffee. a grand meal leads to a good start to your morning. huzzah!

note:
mortified by my earlier bad grammar in the title...problem resolved.

don't question why she needs to be so free, she'll tell you it's the only way to be, she just can't be chained to a life where nothing's gained and nothing's lost at such a cost...

the reality of leaving is setting in.

the goodbyes have started...goodbyes are the worst.

so, in an attempt to combat the sad i've decided to talk about this i'm excited for.

on my first day back to chicago i get to go to the wedding of my dear friend stina peterson and her soon to be husband john dufour. yay, love!

tuesday, august 7th i'm going to a harry potter marathon. (you know you're jealous)

i bought new bed linens and am excited to decorate my room...thanks, ikea.

i found a place in chicago that does gluten free deep dish pizza.

singing some wonderful griffes music.

living within a six block radius of the majority of my friends.

buying a sweet bike and biking to said friends.

using my groupon at tre k.

seeing my friend, smash on the drive out. i have grown to love my stops in omaha...also, their whole foods there is ridiculously awesome.

as for now i should shower, get coffee, and go be productive (you know, get allergy medication and go to the gym) with my day. i didn't wake up until eleven! who am i?

also, i saw florence at red rocks on wednesday. it was magical.

softly and tenderly chicago is calling...

well, my time in denver is coming to a close. i always thought when it was all said and done that i’d leave colorado without really looking back-how wrong i was. not to say that i’m not excited for chicago, i am. i just will miss some things here in denver.

things i will miss:

my voice teacher:

martile rowland is my hero and one of my biggest champions. seriously, that woman re-instilled a love of singing. i will never forget the first conversation i had with her. i was still living in chicago and had been arguing with the irs for two hours. i got a call from a number with an area code i didn’t recognize and assumed it was the irs calling me back. i picked up the phone and said a very venomous, ‘hello’. ‘hello, hello jessie? this is martile rowland’… ‘oh, i thought you were the irs’. from that moment on i knew i’d like her. when i came out to colorado, i had pretty much given up on singing. my last year of grad school was rough. my teacher and i didn’t agree on anything in regards to my voice and the lessons had become down right abusive. i came out to colorado to do vocal arts symposium as a final hurrah to singing little did i know that the decision to come out here for three weeks would end up changing the trajectory of my life forever. three weeks after the end of vocal arts symposium  i learned how to drive and moved out to colorado. i came here to study with martile and sing the mother in hansel and gretel with opera theatre of the rockies.  i thought i’d be here for a year, than two, and now i’m leaving after six years. over the course of six years i’ve switched fachs, performed in three mainstage shows with opera theatre of the rockies, and felt like i’ve become a better person and singer.

my friends:

two of the closest friends i have in colorado were met within hours of landing here for singing. claire anderson was the person assigned to come pick me up from the airport when i came out here to sing for VAS. who would have guessed that it would start a six year friendship that i attribute as one of my dearest. i met marisa the first night of VAS and a year later she moved to colorado. i know these girls will always be a phone call away but it will be sad not to have yoga time or hbo time with them.  i am so lucky to have formed so many great friendships while out here. sarah s, amy, rainey, sarah m, catie, linder, lauren, kevin, the list could just keep going on. i will miss you all. you all have a standing invitation to come visit chicago.

modbo cabarets:

          fun, weird, completely inappropriate.

my gym:

i never thought  i would be discussing how much i’m going to miss my gym. honestly though, i was so fortunate to fall into this community.  they’re such a fun, funny, smart, fit pack of weirdoes. i would never be able to thank tj and lindsay enough for their kindness, motivation, and ass kicking. thank you to all who welcomed me and made me felt a part of the group and not just like the fat girl in the corner.

my job:

i haven’t made it one day since being back in denver without crying over leaving my job. the kids i teach are so special. they make me laugh, challenge me, and give me hope for the generation to come. seriously, if only i could move this entire place and all the people in it with me, i would. in the three years i’ve worked at ygp there has never been a day where i am not excited to go to my job. no matter how crummy i feel, or what drama may have happened in my life, getting up and going to work is a sheer joy. how many people actually get to say that? i know how fortunate i’ve been and i don’t take that for granted…not even for an instant. BEST JOB EVER. i am happy that marisa is taking it over. i feel like i’m leaving them with someone who will not only be a great teacher but also someone who will love and care for the kids here. 

seriously folks i do this for a living

replying to violence.

This will be our reply to violence: to make music more intensely, more beautifully, more devotedly than ever before.

-Leonard Bernstein

i woke up with a barrage of messages asking me if i was okay.

my mother's text was simple: call me when you wake up!
needless to say, by now, most of you will understand 

firstly, let me make explicitly clear: my heart is breaking for colorado. i teach kids who go to columbine. i teach people who's parents or aunts and uncles were at columbine when the shootings happen. i have seen how directly this impacts a community. columbine happened in 1999 and still people remember it like it happened yesterday you never forget that trauma...never.

secondly, let me make clear how much i hate the media. speculation with no actual facts. at one point the local denver abc affiliate started talking about the weather at the apartment building of the suspected shooter.
they also just showed a southwest plane for a good four minutes...granted, it was the shooter's father getting off the plane but, until more facts are collected and until the fbi figures out how to get into the apartment building the reporting seems like an exercise in futility.

perhaps nothing has infuriated me more than this:

the argument that we can lessen violence with more violence and more guns is so unbelievably ludicrous.
louie gohmert represents tyler, texas and just for shits and giggles i decided to look up their city data...wouldn't you know it, all of their crime related data is above average. now, i'm not naive, i know many factors go into it but, i mean...really, there has to be some congruence.   


i also came across this which i think has some really interesting data to look at about the usage of guns in different states in different types of assaults...colorado ranks far lower than texas. 


i would just like to say that in events like this we tend far more to remember the name of the shooter and forget the names of the victims. twelve are confirmed dead, one of their names has been released. let's take a moment to remember jessica.


i leave you with the music of bernstein:

sometimes you make resolutions in the middle of july

resolutions are a funny thing...
i feel like i always set resolutions at times that are not congruent with norms (new years, birthdays, etc)

resolution number one:
my big resolution this year has been to unleash an inner athlete...i started the day before thanksgiving...you know, like normal people do.

now, usually my general klutziness has barred me from being able to do most physical activities in the past. the two people who will read this blog will know that i can literally break my toes walking five feet from my bed to the bathroom. as a kid i had terrible knee and asthma problems which led me not to participate in gym for the duration of my youth. i started swimming because it was something i could do that put no pressure on my knees and then my ear issues got in the way and the doctor told me i was no longer allowed to swim. i was essentially the girl in the bubble...

some weird thing came over me in november where i decided i wanted to try and be athletic. honestly, it wasn't even about loosing weight at first. it started with trying to regain a part of my childhood that i thought i never really got to experience.

so what happened in november?
i went to go get my hair did at my favorite denver salon and two of the stylists (sarah-my stylist and lindsay) were discussing crossfit. now, i had heard of crossfit before but i assumed it was primarily for douchebags who were obsessed with their abs and lack of brain cells. granted, if we're being entirely honest some of those people do certainly exist. lindsay mentioned that her boyfriend had just opened a new crossfit and that i should go...and the next morning i did.

in general i am not a shy or timid person with two blaring exceptions: boys (i'm like baby carrying that watermelon in dirty dancing) and physical activities that aren't dancing (trust me dudes, i own the dancefloor). my first crossfit class there was two of us. absolutely nowhere to hide, nowhere to run: pure, unadulterated exposure. i have in my life been someone who has carefully constructed living a life where i only do the things i know i will succeed at (which will factor heavily into the second resolution of the year-but, more about that later). this was the first time, i tried something that i didn't think i'd be good at. my first day we were doing push presses and i push pressed a hundred pounds. it was like a gateway drug into physical fitness. i determined right then and there that i would huff and puff my way into becoming a crossfitter.

resolution number two:
resolution number two came in february when i decided i was going to let myself start failing at things. if i failed it meant i tried...and that was an important step for me. i don't really do vulnerable well (foreshadowing of resolution number three)...and failing is vulnerability at it's most embarrassing or soul crushing. i started allowing myself to be more vulnerable...i even cried once at the gym-it was awful and totally cathartic. i feel as if  i've encountered a totally different person in my skin.

this new found vulnerability also managed to bleed into other aspects of my life. it's made me a better performer and frankly, a better person. things that had formerly held the power to shut me down now were less likely to do so...or i was more inclined to be honest and say something hurt my feelings instead of stonewalling. recently, i had someone say something to me about the size of my arms on stage. it stung...a lot. then, i went and did my wod (workout of the day for you non crossfit folk) on monday and could easily clean and push press 85 pounds(the rx weight for the workout) and i stopped and had a moment where i was grateful for my large arms. they're strong and resilient and i like that.

resolution number three:
at the start of all this i very specifically did not want to make my weight loss the narrative of my life. nor do i want it to be my narrative now. but, i do want a place where i can share what's going on...in the gym, on the stage, in life, yadda yadda yadda.  it's an attempt to be more honest in all aspects of my life and with this resolution  i figured it was time to fire up ye ol' blog again. so friends, i'm back...and i know, i've said it before but i promise...there's far more intention to my blogging now.

huzzah!